There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.