There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
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wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards