There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
new career option?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.