There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
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Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.