There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
You sure about that?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
True statement👍😏😁
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans