There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
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Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
see you in hell you stupid fruit
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.