Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!