Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.