Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides