There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
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Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
this chia pet tastes awful
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”