Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

here we go again

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh