There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
i now pronounce you bounced.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on