there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
You Might Also Like
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.