there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
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Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin