there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
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When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?