there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
You Might Also Like
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Check out the legs on this baby
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank