Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Dear Lord..

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

don’t be scared

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

Never deleting this app.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.