there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
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Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Drive like no one is watching.