There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.