there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
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Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
that de-escalated quickly
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie