There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
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Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.