There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
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I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I put the hot in psychotic.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ