There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
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I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Who says great literature is dead?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate