There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.