There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
is this a threat
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
This might be me.
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My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”