There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Everything reminds me of my ex
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on