There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*