Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.