There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.

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My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”


The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.


Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]


I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.


I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.


Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror


Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.