@sameblacklist

There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.

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@Parkerlawyer

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

@Brettagher

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

@DaHess1

I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.

@Cheeseboy22

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

@ThugRaccoons

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.