There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
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When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.