There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
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What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
White Castle for the Win
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.