There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
The Weeknd is back
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory