there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
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If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.