there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
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[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Blew my mind.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me