Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star