Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???