Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…