There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
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I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
“i am a sweet baby”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.