There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?