There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.