There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Arrest that man!
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised