There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Barbie gone wild
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
respect
I’m about to risk it all
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick