There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”