Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

Simple enough.

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.