Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

We don’t deserve birds.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.