There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Same post same
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
The “baby” on the left….
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE