There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
GM✌🏻
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*