There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.