There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
I think my mom just blocked me
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?