Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

Come back with a warrant

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.