Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

What a website

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

🫡

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no