There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.