There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
me when the borders lift
Love thy neighbor’s dog
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*