There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what