There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
