Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a self-made hundredaire

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

When you’re Kinky but poor

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now