There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
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Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
This kid will have a bright future.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.