there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
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Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
doing your own taxes
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Do one person every day that scares you.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀