Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

Well, this explains it:

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

So true for me

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year