There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
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Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Aight bet
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.