there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Story time
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I need better friends
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.