Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?