There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.