“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome