“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
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If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Happy Febuary everyone!
this is funnier than any friends episode
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.