Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.