Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

I feel seen

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.