there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Schrödinger’s cookie
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’m not lazy
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
A Match(.com), but for socks.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
#Caturday
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts