Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.