There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
You Might Also Like
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Something Saturday.
