There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
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My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.