There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
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person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Welcome to the stomach
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser