There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.