Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

i made a craigslist ad !

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.