There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Everyone’s family
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet