There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!