There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Here’s a meme
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”