There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.